I think I soured on Christmas music around age 16. That year on Christmas I was working at Boston Market, and they didn't even have the decency to have a Muzak system. We had one Christmas CD that played on a loop over and over and over again. After that I really started to dislike almost every standard Christmas song. The only things I hated more than those songs were the people who were excited to hear them. They'd always sing along, then try to share their excitement with me. Here's the thing about the love of Christmas music: it's like chlamydia, feel free to share it with your loved ones, but keep me out of it.
But now I'm going to share some Christmas music with you! I would feel like a hypocrite because of the last sentence of that last paragraph, but I don't...because I love all of you! Here are 15 Christmas songs that don't infuriate me.
1. Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is You
This one feels classic to me. I remember when I was a kid I would look forward to hearing this on the radio during Christmas time. And the video is one of the most tragic things I've seen. Nothing says Christmas spirit like poor quality camera work and unflattering red jumpsuits. And can we get a moment for random bunny rabbits?
2. The Killers featuring Toni Halliday - A Great Big Sled
This is how I get around listening to actual Christmas songs. If I listen to original Christmas songs by bands. It's really just me listening to original songs by bands I like. That's my excuse for most of this list. Although I'm still not sure why the Killers decided to put out a coaster sized music video for the song. I feel like at that point, just don't make a music video and wait for 15-year-olds to make those sweet videos with pictures and lyrics and stuff.
3. Blink-182 - Won't Be Home For Christmas
This is just a good pissy "screw you holidays!" Christmas song. When you're a grumpy teenager this song just speaks to your soul. This was on their "live and other random crap" CD titled the "Mark, Tom and Travis Show," which I got when I was 12 after bartering with my sister. I think she was saving up money to buy another Crash Bandicoot game so I said I'd give her $10 for this album and her Third Eye Blind CD. The joke was really on her, because in the end I had two new CDs and she had a game that she would play with me anyway.
4. Homegrown - Feliz Navidad
Here's a new twist on an old classic. I think I like this music video much more then the song. Either way it always cracks me up to watch.
5. Brenda Lee or She & Him - Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
Here's a classic song that doesn't piss me off for some reason. It has all sorts of things that usually bother me: Christmas themes, a saxophone solo, mention of caroling, and joy.
I feel obligated to include at least something from A Very She & Him Christmas, which came out this year. The best way to describe the album is it sounds exactly like it sounds like it will sound.
Please ignore the fact that Zooey Deschanel looks a bit like a scared raccoon in this video.
6. Brighten featuring the Maine - Merry Christmas Baby
Apparently the Christmas Spirit makes me forget about how much I usually hate gang vocals, ie too many people singing all at once. I'm looking at you, choirs. Just because you sound more refined doesn't mean that you're not engaging in gang vocals.
7. Maria Taylor - Christmas After All
No music video for this one, folks. Maria Taylor must dislike Jesus or something.
Nothing says high energy and Christmas excitement like a Maria Taylor song! For her it's not "Yay! Merry Christmas!" it's "Welp, looks like it's Christmas, guys." I like that kind of muted reaction that usually preceeds the phrases "Happens every year, guys. No biggie."
8. Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson - Winter Song
Here's a nice depressing cartoon video for you. Merry Christmas!
9. Brandi Carlile - The Heartache Can Wait
10. Lenka - All My Bells Are Ringing
If I had to say it hands down this is my favorite Christmas song. It's probably the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my life. It's the Christmas song equivalent of a box of puppies, which sounds like a good idea, but in the long run is hard to care for.
11. Neon Trees - Wish List
This is just a cute song.
12. The Maine - Santa Stole My Girlfriend
I feel like any song with the hook "Santa, you bitch" is naturally going to be amusing.
13. Amy Winehouse - I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus
Okay, let's get this out of the way. This song is fucking creepy and weird...and almost always sung by an irritating child... So, I love the image this version of the song gives me. Grown up Amy Winehouse stumbles out of her room with three fingers of vodka in her hand, sees her mom kiss Santa Claus, and starts to just ruin the moment with stumbling and slurring obscenities.
Oh, and no, it's not too soon.
14. Bishop Allen - You'll Never Find My Christmas
I'm really fond of this song, but it's just really odd (much like the band, really). I would never have thought to write about Christmas like it's a world known terrorist or private part, but that probably means I just need to work on my creativity.
15. Wham! or Jimmy Eat World or Taylor Swift or Cascada or Metro Station or Florence and the Machine or The Maine - Last Christmas
What can I say? Everybody and their mom has covered this song, and I've always enjoyed it. Except for the Glee cast version, yuck. I would enjoy a homeless man with laryngitis singing this if there were a YouTube clip of it online.
Now I feel obligated to put them in order of preference...
It is what it is. Adequate and Metro Station-like.
I have to respect anyone who does the cover and still does the creepy whisper part toward the beginning of the song, except you Glee. Booo.
I really like this arrangement.
4. Cascada
This one was featured on "A Very Ecstacy Taking Christmas."
I don't have guilty pleasures, but if I were to feel guilty about any of the pleasures it would be my unreasonable love for Taylor Swift music.
2. Wham!
Yes, everyone, feel free to be very pissed at me. I like Jimmy Eat World's better than the original. It's mostly because I just prefer the sound Jimmy Eat World to Wham! in general.
And there you have it, 15 (technically 22) songs about Christmas that don't make me want to punch people. What did we all learn? I'm assuming nothing. All I really learned is that I like Christmas songs more than I thought I did, so if you hear me say I don't like Christmas music you can tell me to STFU because you saw my blog post...or at least read the very last part of it.
